I used to think I was funny,

he said, that I don’t know when to be serious, so I stopped.

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I don’t laugh when he makes a joke at my expense,

he said, I need to learn how to take a joke. So, I became the joke.

My body is changing, and I feel insecure,

He tells me he will love me no matter what, and had an affair.

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I have trust issues and close myself off,

he blames me for being unforgiving and said, he wishes he could take it all back. Which part?

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I am aging. Age is much more attractive on men than women, is that true or just what the magazines sell? Apparently, I am buying.

He says you’re beautiful no matter what, but maybe if you exercise, then you’ll get back in shape.

Is it poor communication?

Or is it more than that? Is there something underneath?

Does it have anything to do with him any way, or everything to do with me?

When is enough . What is too much.

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He has a son who isn’t mine, that he wants me to raise.

I love this boy, but, I don’t trust. How do you teach trust, then?

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I am tired, but more than that, I’m afraid.

I am not important, a priority, a second thought.

I am not anyone’s first choice, especially mine.

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Fine, becomes the appropriate response to every question. I’m ok, with a smile, relieves any inclination that I might need someone.

Whose smile am I wearing?

Being a person who needs to please is hard, laughter is so much easier. So I laugh.

Are these signs of self hate, or neglect.

Did I ever like me? Did anyone ?

Redirect my behavior.

Don’t set myself on fire to keep someone else warm.

What is my purpose then?

What am I, if not needed…..?

Who am I?

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What is happy?

What is true?

I have been writing, recording my last few years. It has been an difficult journey.

I am not who I was.

I am not who I want to be.

I don’t know who I am, or if I even like me.

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What is life supposed to be like anyway?

How do you learn to like yourself, when did you stop, why did you?

???????

Just thoughts. If you also feel these things, I will listen.

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I need to be needed, I need to feel a connection.

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Mental well being is an incredibly difficult path to take alone. After the last few years, I have experienced the whole spectrum. Love, Loss, hurt, separation, pain, connection, betrayal, hope, compassion and determination. Not in that order. I am a work in progress, at best. I am a soul in need of repair, looking for her purpose.

If you are in that place, you are NOT alone. Do better than me, look for help, get out of your house, put yourself in situations to connect. We were not intended to be alone.

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You are valuable.

You are lovely.

You are worthy.

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Hello, is there anybody out there?!

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